Crap I Send

This was my arrowhead resume.

When you're begging for stuff, you might as well be creative about it.  This is actual email I've actually sent.

To Twin Six, last month:

Four hours into the sale and the Blood Moon men’s T is already sold out.  NOOOOOO!!!1

There’s gotta be a way I can still get one in large.  So…

a)      Is there anyone there who can be bribed?  I can offer a coupon for one free back massage.

b)      If not, what about blackmail?  I’m very good with photoshop.  Is there anyone there you don’t like?  Do they have pics available online?

c)       What about charity?  Did I mention I was a one legged orphan with a bum spleen and a terminal case of head lice?

Any bending of the rules would be rewarded with great admiration and a promise of secrecy carrying the bond of the Pinky Swear.  Thanks.

I'd like to note that since there was no actual bending of the rules, I declare the pinky swear bond null and void.  Moving on...

To Revelate Designs, last week: 

Hold your hand up.  A little bit higher.  Ok, ready?  Here goes...

Did you feel that?  That ripple coming at you through the air?  The shockwave from the general direction of Iowa?  That's right, brother...  I just invented the wireless high-five.

What lead to this stunningly manly innovation?  The announcement on your site that frame bags are once again available for the Pugs.  So now I gotta know...  Do you have one in small?  Such a revelation (see what I did there?) would surely be cause for celebration the likes of which would flatten all trees in a ten mile radius, so I promise to find the most remote corn field to read your response in.

Don't worry, I'll evacuate all small animals first.

But not the deer.

Fuck the deer.

Thanks.
- Craig  

Now... What to do for that Trans Iowa postcard?