Monday, April 16, 2012

Exclusive! My Secret Cross-Training Methods Exposed!!!

Even among the crazy world of gravel grinders, Trans Iowa stands alone as the pinnacle of manliness.  Such a race requires training far beyond the norm, so five days ago I hitched a ride down to the Gulf of Mexico on the back of a flatbed hauling the next batch of champion fighting chickens, fashioned a raft out of no less than 12 live sea turtles and one slightly annoyed marlin and set sail for the Yucatan Peninsula.  What follows is a look inside my never before seen by man, super secret cross training program.  What you are about to see is so powerful, I guarantee you will grow at least three new chest hairs by the time you are done reading.

Are you ready?

Prepare to have your eye holes rocked!

Laying waste to the entire shoreline with a power flex shockwave.  Those waves are moving back out to sea, fleeing from my awesome might.

Destroying the clouds with mind bullets.  I keep my electrolyte levels high by filtering ocean water through my leg hairs. 

I'm not reading, I'm absorbing the essence of a thousand mighty redwoods.

During training, I subsist on a strict diet of fermented ox blood and local water.  I find the ox blood to be rich in minerals and raw, visceral power.  I drink the water because I like to break a gastrointestinal sweat too.

  Every training plan should include a recovery session.  Here, I relax in a hammock hand kitted for me by the mermaid I seduced with my superfresh dance moves.

1 comment:

  1. You are a freak'n beast.....Go Craig Go.....TI LQQK out....